The New Normal

The New Normal.

The first time I remember hearing that phrase was shortly after 9/11, when the world as we knew it changed.  We were married just 4 days after the event that changed the world. So, our honeymoon was filled with uncertainty. I'm sure Americans felt that way after Pearl Harbor and WW2.  I'm sure they felt that way after Kennedy was shot, and after the Vietnam War.  Every major event in History has allowed for a "new normal."  

I don't like that phrase. I find it difficult to adapt to new norms.  I mean, I still wish I could just go walk someone in to their gate at the airport.  I miss being able to feel safe going into a large building. On our first anniversary, we went to Niagara Falls, and I was overcome with anxiety because of the large crowds. And now? Now I miss getting out and shopping without a mask. Coughing without feeling every eye on me.  Visiting a sick relative while they are in the hospital or long term care facility.  

The weight of it all has been compounded by being stuck at home, not hugging my parents who moved back to our area just before this started.  The anxiety and stress has grown leaps and bounds by having everyone home for over 6 months, and watching my son suffer from not being able to be around people.  He's the extrovert of the family, so it's been especially hard for him.  The recent hurricane, which looked like it was coming our way, made me realize just how much of the new normal feels like it's choking life right out of me.  

I don't function well these days.  It's hard to get motivated for anything besides eating.  I decided to start blogging again after 3+ years of not writing.  I'm hoping it will help me deal with my anxiety, stress and motivation.  I'm praying that I will somehow come out of this new normal with renewed purpose, vision and hope.  What about you?  How are you coping with the New Normal?

Living Through The Hard Seasons

From the outside looking in, I've got it pretty good.  I have a husband who adores me.  I have two boys who are tenderhearted toward me.  I live in the suburbs, drive a minivan, and I get to be a stay at home mom. 

These are the things I would have given anything for just 15 years ago.  All I wanted was to be married and be a stay at home mom.  I imagined it all.  I dreamed it all.  And now, now it's reality.  And, I struggle.  I struggle with depression and self-worth.  I struggle with comparison and figuring out my place in this crazy world.  I struggle with trusting God completely.    

Here's the thing, friend.  In my moments of struggle, I always know He is working in me, using my mess as a witness.  Even when my vision is clouded over like the morning fog, I know He is there guiding me through it.  In those dark moments when I feel furthest from Him, He is drawing me closer to Him.  

I can almost always attribute the "depression seasons" to times where I have not spent time in worship, in the Word, or in prayer.  All of them are essential in my walk with Him to live more fully.  Though I try to replace those essentials with blogs, books and devotions, they are good and have a place, they can not replace HIM.  They can't take the place of His Word.  

So, here I am two weeks into the new year, and all I can think about is my One Word - LIVE.  I have done anything but that over the past two weeks.  I've found my hiding place, and it's snug and no one else is there.  I can hide away from the rest of the world there.  I have shirked my responsibility in my home.  I've put off doing anything until I can "get myself together".  I'm such a mess.  

The song You Alone Can Rescue by Matt Redman has been on my heart this morning.  I'm hoping in Him, and I'm lifting up my eyes to the giver of life.  I can't LIVE this year without more of Him.  As I sing this praise to Him, I find that life, His life in me, is being restored to me.  Depression leaves as I enter into His presence, and I'm made whole in Him.  

All of my worries and anxieties are put into a bag and laid before His feet.  I will choose to take on His yoke, for it is easy, and light.  In Him, I will find rest for my soul in the midst of unrest, and peace where chaos wants to invade.  

Let me encourage you to do the same.  Do you have areas where you struggle consistently?  Do you find power and release in times of worship, prayer and time in His Word?  Walk with me, friend, and let's dig deep into Him.  Let's find our place in Him together.  If you feel like you are without words to pray, pray this prayer with me.

Thank you, Father, for loving me through my mess, through my brokenness.  Thank you for the wisdom and peace you give to us as we ask you for them.  I ask for wisdom and peace in every area of my life.  I pray that you will continue to guide my steps, and that they are ordered by you.  Father, I thank you that I know your voice, and the voice of a stranger I'll not follow.  To you, alone, belongs the highest praise.  You are the giver of life, and I know that fully, Lord.  Let me find my full life in you alone!  Father, thank you for using each season of my life for your glory.  I praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.  In Jesus Name, Amen!


I'm linking up with Crystal Stine today over at Behind the Scenes.  Come join us!

Taste and See

It's baaaack!  Well, technically it was back last week, but I missed it completely.  Five Minute Friday time again, and I'm stepping in this week with a little hesitance.  We write for five minutes flat, no editing, no backtracking.  Just write.  You can check all the other bloggers out HERE.  Today's word prompt is SEE.

My first thought when I saw the word "see" was the word prompt was "Taste and see that the Lord is good."  Psalm 34:8  I've memorized scripture since I was 5 years old.  By the time I was a teenager, I could quote scripture better than I could any subject in school.  

I'm at a time in my life where I'm wondering what's next.  What's next, God?  That question is two-fold.  What's next for my life/my story, and what's going to happen next.  My father-in-law passed away a month ago, followed by my Aunt two weeks later.  In between, Christmas happened, and I mean, it just happened.  There really wasn't a celebration for what it was truly about.  It was just "let's get through this, and make sure the kids are happy" on my part.

I'm pushing back against depression, and it's hard to see that the Lord is good when you're eyes are blurry.  Vision gets skewed when you haven't spent time in His word.  I haven't.  It's hard to feel deep down inside that He's really in control, and it's all going to be okay.  It's like being stuck on the spin cycle in the washing machine, out of control.  

The rest of that scripture says "Blessed is the man who takes refuge in Him."  So, even if I'm not feeling like I can see what He's doing, where my place is, what's next, I will choose to take refuge in Him.  When I can't see these hard things as the Lord being good, I will put my trust in Him and take refuge in Him.  

This will put me a little over my 5 minutes, but I need it today.  Here is the definition of refuge:  shelter or protection from danger or distress; a place that provides shelter or protection.  When my vision becomes cloudy, I will find protection and shelter in Him.  I choose to run to Him.

Father, thank you for providing protection and shelter for me, even when I can't see you are there.  I thank you that you go deeper still.  Your love reaches deeper than any place I might go, or when I feel to far away to reach.  I will choose to taste and see that you are good, and I will put my trust in you.  In Jesus Name, Amen!

A Thankful Heart: On Being Real

There was a time in my life that I thought I had it all together, and in the places where I knew I needed work, I hid them behind the mask of perfection.  The only thing I wanted people to see me as was having it all, and having it all together.  

Then, I went through this period of depression.  I was never diagnosed because I wouldn't talk to my doctor about it, but I believe I was dealing with postpartum depression.  And, it probably started at the loss of my first pregnancy 10 years ago, just before my 30th birthday.  When I look back, I can see the marked change in my personality, my faith, and my Pollyanna like optimism about everything in life.

It wasn't long, maybe two weeks after my first son was born 8 years ago that Hurricane Katrina slammed into New Orleans, wreaking havoc on so many.  I have lots of relatives in and around New Orleans, so we were understandably worried, plus I was dealing with hormones going wild.  Another 4 weeks after that, Hurricane Rita was heading to Houston, at least that's what they told us, so we packed up our 6 week old baby and our puppy and hit the road, along with 4 million other Houstonians.  The normally 4 hour trip to Dallas took us more than 17 hours.  We were exhausted and I was completely frazzled with a colicky baby.  I'm pretty sure I lost it on my husband more than once on the way there.

It was also around this time that we had some major financial difficulties, and had to make hard decisions about our future.  Unfortunately, at that time, I internalized everything "bad" in my life, and covered them over with a rainbow and butterfly view for all to see.  I settled into this pessimistic view for myself, and an optimistic view for everyone else.  It was the hardest mask I've ever worn.  It also hardened my heart toward God.

The irony of this is that as a teenager, I performed in a skit with my youth group called "masks" about putting on face and being fake.  I was nothing if not fake.  Even my walk with God was nothing more than what I had learned in the past.  It was not a real, daily walk, just living on yesterday's bread and water.  Day old bread is stale and moldy, and that is pretty much where my faith was.

There are lots of events and life lessons that brought me through to where I am now.  The one thing I've learned through the past 10 years is that people don't want the masked version of you, they want the real, raw, personal you.  They want the good, the bad and the ugly because otherwise, they can't relate to you.

Life is not perfect, and we ALL have ups and downs, good and bad days, happy and sad days.  We all have One Source to lean on in all of those ups and downs, good and bad days, happy and sad days.  What I've learned is that Jesus wants it all.  He wants us to lay it all at his feet.  He wants the real us, not some masked wannabe.  He knows the real us anyway, so why not live it?  

Friend, if you are struggling, find someone to help.  God dropped women into my life to help me get through the emotional ups and downs I was experiencing.  I prayed for help, and God sent it in a big way.  He will do the same for you, if you just ask Him.  Ask and you shall receive.  Let Him love on you, and give you a hope and a future.  

I'm not where I want to be, but I'm not where I was, and for that I am truly thankful!  

A Thankful Heart: Days 31 & 32 - Encouragement From The Lord

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.  Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you." Jeremiah 29:11-12

This is such a well known verse.  There is so much depth to it, but what I feel like God was showing me last night was that He desires for us to walk in hope.  I was so encouraged last night as I was thinking about how God has been lifting me out of years-long depression and self-pity.  I read a message from someone on twitter about negative thinking being a lack of faith, but the Holy Spirit really spoke to me and this is what I wrote afterward in my journal.  

Negative thinking, gossip, anxiety, depression, etc all generally stem from loss of hope, not lack of faith.  Hope is what keeps our eyes, and our mouths for that matter, out of those dark areas of life.  A person who has their eyes fixed on Jesus is full of hope, even in seemingly hopeless situations.  A person who is full of hope can't walk in depression, the two are polar opposites.  

Tonight, I'm thanking God for the promises in His word to give us hope!  Don't lose your hope!  He has a plan for you, my friend, and His plan gives us a future and a hope.  He hears us when we pray, that promise is given throughout His word, but it is plainly stated in Jeremiah 29:12.  Let us take hope, hold fast to the confession of our faith for He is faithful who promised.  

Do you feel like you have lost hope?  Do you feel that you don't have much of a future to look forward to?  Press in, friend.  God draws close to us as we draw close to Him.  It's not always easy to break unnecessary habits to make time for him.  I am guilty of watching too much tv and using the computer too much to escape instead of diving into His word to get full of life.  That is the best place to build our hope and feel full of His presence.  He desires you, my friend.   

Father, I lift up everyone who feels lost, or without hope.  I thank you for your word, that you have promised to give us a future and a hope.  I pray for peace over those who have no peace, and thank you for the peace that passes all understanding to guard their hearts and their minds in Christ.  I ask that you would cover my friends in peace, and give them a new hope for their lives, a new view of their future, Lord.  I thank you, Father, that you are a very present help in times of trouble, and that you care about every detail in our lives.  You see the broken hearted and are close to them.  I pray that they would feel your presence even now, that they would know you are drawing them in to you.  In Jesus Name, Amen.

Slow Fade

I have heard the song "Slow Fade" by Casting Crowns many times, but this morning when I heard it, the Holy Spirit gently nudged me.  We are all sinners, we all have sinned, and we will continue to sin until the day we meet Jesus.  However, with sin comes conviction if we will yield ourselves to the Holy Spirit.  That conviction starts out strong, but as you push it away, there comes a day that you don't "feel" any conviction in your sin, there is a separation between you and God, and you have a dry and empty well.  I know this because I went through this, and it led me to depression.  I was unable to cope with life, and it all started with a sin that I didn't want to be convicted over.  

Here are the lyrics that touch my heart:

It's a slow fade

When you give yourself away

It's a slow fade

When black and white are turned to gray

And thoughts invade, choices are made

A price will be paid

When you give yourself away

People never crumble in a day

It's a slow fade

It's a slow fade

So, as the song says "be careful little eyes what you see, be careful little ears what you hear, be careful little feet where you go..."

When temptation comes, we know that is not from God, but we also know that God always provides a way out.  James 1:13-15 "Let no one say when he is tempted, “I am being tempted by God,” for God cannot be tempted with evil, and he himself tempts no one. ¹⁴ But each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire. ¹⁵ Then desire when it has conceived gives birth to sin, and sin when it is fully grown brings forth death."

1 Corinthians 10:13 "No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it."

Praise God that He always provides a way out when we are tempted.  My temptations come in the form of food.  I have unhealthy eating habits, and I've felt convicted by the Holy Spirit to change those habits.  I've put it aside, and put it aside until I went through a very dark season.  I believe most of that was due to sugar and hormone imbalances because of my food choices, food addictions, and obsessions.  I didn't want to feel deprived, and isn't that what is at the root of all sin?  Wanting what I want and having it when I want it.  Food in itself is not bad, but unhealthy obsessions with it is.  

I still struggle from time to time with making healthy choices, staying away from sugary foods and sodas.  But, I know that He always provides a way out.  I know where I once was and where I am now, and it's so much better to live in the now.  Each day I am getting better at making the right choice.  I have a long way to go, but I've come a long way already.  A friend of mine once said "there is power in talking about your struggles because it releases the power the struggle has over you."  She told me that almost 2 years ago and it has stuck with me ever since.

Father, thank you for setting me free.  Thank you for giving me strength and a way out when temptation is all around.  Help me to see that way out.  I ask you to reveal to me when my heart is not set on you, and sin is creeping in so that I can keep a pure heart before you.  Create in me a clean heart and renew the right spirit within me, O Lord.  Any area of my heart that has turned to stone through bitterness or unforgiveness, I ask you to turn those areas to flesh and to help me release those feelings.  I repent for holding things in my heart instead of giving them over to you, and I thank you for your forgiveness.  Thanks be to God who always causes me to triumph!  I praise you today, and I thank you for your goodness and your unfailing love toward me.  In Jesus name, Amen!

Struggling

I haven't been posting regularly.  I'm struggling.  Struggling with a lot of issues.  I've battled self-worth issues and occasional depression since my late teens.  Every now and then it rears it's ugly head and I have to face it head on.  This time, I feel differently about it.  I'm just letting it run it's course rather than pulling myself up and tackling it.  I can't explain it.  If I'm not reaching out to others right now, it's really selfishness on my part as I'm completely burned out, and feel the need to focus on my own needs.  

I feel as I have nothing to give to anyone, including my family and closest friends.  I'm barely getting in a shower each day.  I don't exactly love admitting my flaws, but feel that is the first step to establishing real, life-long relationships.  If you can't be transparent with your friends, you might as well become a hermit and not have any friends to fool.  I guess I'm writing this as sort of a release for me.  I've felt pent up for weeks now.  Todd has asked me almost daily what he can do for me.  

Unfortunately, right now, there is nothing he can do but to pray.  Please pray for me, too.  This is something I'd like to overcome completely.  Honestly, I know what I need to do, but have absolutely NO motivation or will-power to do it.  I don't even have the desire to get the motivation, which kind of frustrates me!  So, if you think of me, pray for me.  God knows what I have need of.

God works in the quiet times

Our small group took a questionnaire and was asked to answer 10 questions out of 16.  One of the 16 questions, which struck me most, was "Describe a time when you felt closest to God".  I immediately went to that time period on my mind.  I thought about my late teens, and twenties.  I remember experiencing great victories in God, a sincere close relationship with Him.  I remembered many times ministering out with my youth group, young adult camps, and talking about God's word with my closest friends.  The last time I felt that sincere deep relationship with the Lord was around age 26, just before my Aunt Nene died followed by my dearest friend Stephanie.  I think when those events took place, I started to question God.  I didn't fully understand why two people I cared for had to leave this earth to take their place in their heavenly homes.  I still don't.  I don't mourn like many people.  I'm pretty quiet in my tears, and i tend to hold it in.  It's not healthy, I know.  (Getting off track, here)  My point is that 26 seems to be the pivotal point where I started to decline in my relationship with a Holy God.

So, after i answered the question for my encouragement partner, I realized that I haven't allowed myself to be close to God in 10 years!  10 YEARS!!!!  Oh, I've played church, put the smile on, prayed when needed and lifted my hands in worship, but I haven't been sincere about it!  I think if everyone examined their heart, they would probably see that in themselves at some point in their life.  This is not a valley that I plan to stay in.  Even David "the man after God's own heart" went through valleys and ruts.  He questioned.  He agonized.  Yet, he worshipped.  My opinion is that David wrote one of the greatest Psalms ever penned.  Psalm 23.  We will walk THROUGH valleys, but we don't have to set up house there!  I'm looking for a new house on the mountain!  ;)  Praise God!!!  He still loves me!

I don't want to play church anymore.  I want to know Him!  I want to be so intimately acquainted with Him that when people look at me, they see Jesus.  Lord, fill me!  Open my eyes to see where I need to grow, what needs to change in me so that You can work through me!  Make me a holy vessel for your glory!  Show me, God, when I'm wasting time, when I could be increasing in faith.  Teach me, guide me, and direct me!  Set apart for you.

I just know that in the quiet times, I can hear Him better, I can see His hand more clearly, and I can relax and know that HE IS.  He is everything that I am not, and more.  He is everything I need and everything I want.  Thank you Lord for working in my quiet times!  The rest of this blog post is from a note I posted on Facebook several months ago.  I hope you enjoy!

1 The Lord is my shepherd;

I have all that I need.

2 He lets me rest in green meadows;

he leads me beside peaceful streams.

3 He renews my strength.

He guides me along right paths,

bringing honor to his name.

4 Even when I walk

through the darkest valley,

I will not be afraid,

for you are close beside me.

Your rod and your staff

protect and comfort me.

5 You prepare a feast for me

in the presence of my enemies.

You honor me by anointing my head with oil.

My cup overflows with blessings.

6 Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me

all the days of my life,

and I will live in the house of the Lord

forever.

Just had to share this chapter in the Psalm that brings me so much peace! God is an ever-present help in times of need. He is always there, ready to fill us with His peace, strengthen us, comfort us, guide us, protect us, provide for us, and bless our lives! His unfailing love pursues us. Isn't that a beautiful thought? His love chases after us in pursuit of our heart in order to be our all in all, our Savior and Lord. He desires to be our everything and doesn't give up (unfailing love). WOW! I love how He loves me! Reminds me of the song we used to sing in Sunday School when I was really young:

Oh, how I love Jesus. Oh, how I love Jesus.

Oh, how I love Jesus, because He first loved me!

That's not the full version of the song, only the chorus, but it's the part I love. I found this old hymn tonight, and it's just beautiful, so thought I'd share:

Love Song (a hymn)

In holiness brilliant, in righteousness bright,

Yet sweet in compassion with touch soft and light,

My Father in ravishing love now draws nigh,

To cherish my soul as the gem of His eye.

His covenant promise, His mighty right arm,

Embrace me securely and keep me from harm.

His faithful, longsuffering, infinite grace

Will bring me home safe, where He’ll show me His face.

Till then, my days pass in the palm of His hand;

His Word whispers comfort in every command.

His Promise sustains me; my triumph is won:

My mansion is bought with the blood of His Son.

The work of His Spirit goes on in my heart,

Restoring His image within by His art,

His workmanship Godlike, His skill so divine,

His voice speaks within me: “Be still, and be Mine.”

Though dark be the valley, though steep be the hill,

My comfort, my refuge, is my Father’s will!

His sweet, soft compassion will fit me aright

For holiness brilliant and righteousness bright.