A Thankful Heart: On Being Real

There was a time in my life that I thought I had it all together, and in the places where I knew I needed work, I hid them behind the mask of perfection.  The only thing I wanted people to see me as was having it all, and having it all together.  

Then, I went through this period of depression.  I was never diagnosed because I wouldn't talk to my doctor about it, but I believe I was dealing with postpartum depression.  And, it probably started at the loss of my first pregnancy 10 years ago, just before my 30th birthday.  When I look back, I can see the marked change in my personality, my faith, and my Pollyanna like optimism about everything in life.

It wasn't long, maybe two weeks after my first son was born 8 years ago that Hurricane Katrina slammed into New Orleans, wreaking havoc on so many.  I have lots of relatives in and around New Orleans, so we were understandably worried, plus I was dealing with hormones going wild.  Another 4 weeks after that, Hurricane Rita was heading to Houston, at least that's what they told us, so we packed up our 6 week old baby and our puppy and hit the road, along with 4 million other Houstonians.  The normally 4 hour trip to Dallas took us more than 17 hours.  We were exhausted and I was completely frazzled with a colicky baby.  I'm pretty sure I lost it on my husband more than once on the way there.

It was also around this time that we had some major financial difficulties, and had to make hard decisions about our future.  Unfortunately, at that time, I internalized everything "bad" in my life, and covered them over with a rainbow and butterfly view for all to see.  I settled into this pessimistic view for myself, and an optimistic view for everyone else.  It was the hardest mask I've ever worn.  It also hardened my heart toward God.

The irony of this is that as a teenager, I performed in a skit with my youth group called "masks" about putting on face and being fake.  I was nothing if not fake.  Even my walk with God was nothing more than what I had learned in the past.  It was not a real, daily walk, just living on yesterday's bread and water.  Day old bread is stale and moldy, and that is pretty much where my faith was.

There are lots of events and life lessons that brought me through to where I am now.  The one thing I've learned through the past 10 years is that people don't want the masked version of you, they want the real, raw, personal you.  They want the good, the bad and the ugly because otherwise, they can't relate to you.

Life is not perfect, and we ALL have ups and downs, good and bad days, happy and sad days.  We all have One Source to lean on in all of those ups and downs, good and bad days, happy and sad days.  What I've learned is that Jesus wants it all.  He wants us to lay it all at his feet.  He wants the real us, not some masked wannabe.  He knows the real us anyway, so why not live it?  

Friend, if you are struggling, find someone to help.  God dropped women into my life to help me get through the emotional ups and downs I was experiencing.  I prayed for help, and God sent it in a big way.  He will do the same for you, if you just ask Him.  Ask and you shall receive.  Let Him love on you, and give you a hope and a future.  

I'm not where I want to be, but I'm not where I was, and for that I am truly thankful!