I haven't been posting regularly. I'm struggling. Struggling with a lot of issues. I've battled self-worth issues and occasional depression since my late teens. Every now and then it rears it's ugly head and I have to face it head on. This time, I feel differently about it. I'm just letting it run it's course rather than pulling myself up and tackling it. I can't explain it. If I'm not reaching out to others right now, it's really selfishness on my part as I'm completely burned out, and feel the need to focus on my own needs.
I feel as I have nothing to give to anyone, including my family and closest friends. I'm barely getting in a shower each day. I don't exactly love admitting my flaws, but feel that is the first step to establishing real, life-long relationships. If you can't be transparent with your friends, you might as well become a hermit and not have any friends to fool. I guess I'm writing this as sort of a release for me. I've felt pent up for weeks now. Todd has asked me almost daily what he can do for me.
Unfortunately, right now, there is nothing he can do but to pray. Please pray for me, too. This is something I'd like to overcome completely. Honestly, I know what I need to do, but have absolutely NO motivation or will-power to do it. I don't even have the desire to get the motivation, which kind of frustrates me! So, if you think of me, pray for me. God knows what I have need of.
Monday, June 20, 2011
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Oh be careful little ears what you hear
I liked this song when I was little. I don't really remember singing it at church, but I remember my mom singing it to me. I think we may have even had a cassette tape with this song and a few other church songs for kids. I've been giving thought to the things we listen to. One thing that has captured my attention is how discontentment breeds or infects anyone who stays around it. We all have "off" days where we might complain about something, or have our fill of something. I'm not talking about that. I'm thinking more of those folks who can not find happiness no matter where they look. It seems that they live life full of discontentment. They are just miserable people, who, for whatever reason can't get past their discontentment. Henry David Thoreau said it like this "If misery loves company, misery has company enough".
My thought has been focused more on how we should reach out to people who are miserable, but keep distance enough to not let their misery infect our hearts. I've noticed that when unhappy people get around a happy person, that happy person begins to find fault where they once did not. They begin to see life through different glasses. It's unfortunate that it is generally easier for the unhappy person to bring down the happy person rather than the happy person bringing up the unhappy person. Proverbs 18:21 says "Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits." When someone is constantly speaking "death" words and not "life" words to you, you begin to believe those words over God's word. I had a youth pastor who would tell us "garbage in, garbage out." We have to be careful who we surround ourselves with, who we allow to speak into our lives. I know a woman who was somewhat unhappy in her marriage, but didn't really consider divorce as an option. However, she started hanging out with some women who were either already divorced or strongly considering it. Once she started hanging out with these women, suddenly divorce became the only option for her happiness in her mind.
Unfortunately, it's not always as blatant as that. It can sometimes be as simple as song lyrics or books that we read. (No, I'm not saying we need to go burn all our secular CD's and Books). We should just be a little more guarded over what we meditate on. This is really all for me right now. I've noticed that as I listen to those who might not be "life" speakers, I start to view myself and others differently. This is why I am so thankful for my husband. No, he's not perfect, but he ALWAYS helps bring things into perspective for me. God is awesome like that! He knew I would need him in my life, and we are a great compliment to each other when it comes to our words and what we hear. I generally speak well of everyone, but when I start to have negative feelings or words coming out of me, Todd will always bring me back to God's word.
I don't usually quote from the Message bible, but I do like Psalms 141:3-6 in that version : "Post a guard at my mouth, God, set a watch at the door of my lips. Don't let me so much as dream of evil or thoughtlessly fall into bad company. And these people who only do wrong— don't let them lure me with their sweet talk! May the Just One set me straight, may the Kind One correct me, Don't let sin anoint my head."
Let's be careful what we hear, see, say, and do! In all our ways, let's acknowledge Him so He can direct our paths! :) Don't worry, be happy!
p.s. I hope this one made sense... I'm exhausted and my computer keeps crashing on me.
My thought has been focused more on how we should reach out to people who are miserable, but keep distance enough to not let their misery infect our hearts. I've noticed that when unhappy people get around a happy person, that happy person begins to find fault where they once did not. They begin to see life through different glasses. It's unfortunate that it is generally easier for the unhappy person to bring down the happy person rather than the happy person bringing up the unhappy person. Proverbs 18:21 says "Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits." When someone is constantly speaking "death" words and not "life" words to you, you begin to believe those words over God's word. I had a youth pastor who would tell us "garbage in, garbage out." We have to be careful who we surround ourselves with, who we allow to speak into our lives. I know a woman who was somewhat unhappy in her marriage, but didn't really consider divorce as an option. However, she started hanging out with some women who were either already divorced or strongly considering it. Once she started hanging out with these women, suddenly divorce became the only option for her happiness in her mind.
Unfortunately, it's not always as blatant as that. It can sometimes be as simple as song lyrics or books that we read. (No, I'm not saying we need to go burn all our secular CD's and Books). We should just be a little more guarded over what we meditate on. This is really all for me right now. I've noticed that as I listen to those who might not be "life" speakers, I start to view myself and others differently. This is why I am so thankful for my husband. No, he's not perfect, but he ALWAYS helps bring things into perspective for me. God is awesome like that! He knew I would need him in my life, and we are a great compliment to each other when it comes to our words and what we hear. I generally speak well of everyone, but when I start to have negative feelings or words coming out of me, Todd will always bring me back to God's word.
I don't usually quote from the Message bible, but I do like Psalms 141:3-6 in that version : "Post a guard at my mouth, God, set a watch at the door of my lips. Don't let me so much as dream of evil or thoughtlessly fall into bad company. And these people who only do wrong— don't let them lure me with their sweet talk! May the Just One set me straight, may the Kind One correct me, Don't let sin anoint my head."
Let's be careful what we hear, see, say, and do! In all our ways, let's acknowledge Him so He can direct our paths! :) Don't worry, be happy!
p.s. I hope this one made sense... I'm exhausted and my computer keeps crashing on me.
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Enter to Win
I am a sweepstakes junkie. It's true, I'm a sucker for "Enter to win". It's the magic words that draw me in every single time. All I have to do is write down my information and I could win my dream house, a new car, some cash, a free flight, etc. I've entered them all, and I love imagining what it would be like to be the winner of something big like that.
I've been reminded recently that I'm seeking for that ultimate joy, the rush of excitement through things that might not happen. Don't we all do that? The thing we so long for to happen may never happen while life just passes us by. I don't think that entering sweepstakes is wrong, but putting my hope in them is. My hope, my joy, my excitement should come from my time with the Lord. I remember a time when it truly did.
I worked for a medical device company in the Clear Lake area close to 8 years. I started there when I was just 20 years old, and stayed there until I moved to Massachusetts just before my 28th birthday. Those 8 years have a lot of significance to me. I grew up, became and an adult, and learned responsibility at this place. I worked long, hard hours, and I learned a lot about loyalty both to people and to corporations. But, one thing that I had during those 8 years was a lot of time with the Lord. Many days I would spend my lunch hour in my car, reading my bible, praying and singing worship songs. I'm sure I looked like a loony toon out there doing that, but I truly did not care. Then, I had a couple of years that I worked in the cleanroom, and much of that time was during overtime hours when I would be the only one in there. I can't tell you the number of hours I would spend praying while I worked. It was a precious time, and time I will never get back. I may find myself being able to spend time in prayer like that again one day, but I can't see that anytime soon with young children at home and their needs taking precedence over my need to communicate with my Lord.
The point of that story is that during that time of my life, I felt the most fulfilled I have ever felt in my walk with God. I love my life now, but I miss my alone time with the Lord. A dear friend recently sent me an e-mail talking about this very subject, and it allowed me to walk down memory lane in my mind and think about that time I had. I am trying to figure out how to incorporate more time with God during my already busy day. Time with God is time that we can enter into His presence and be renewed in our spirit and soul. It's a time of refreshing. It's a time that when we Enter, we win. We win in every way possible when we find our joy, and our excitement through Him. He gives us life, and life more abundantly!
I've been reminded recently that I'm seeking for that ultimate joy, the rush of excitement through things that might not happen. Don't we all do that? The thing we so long for to happen may never happen while life just passes us by. I don't think that entering sweepstakes is wrong, but putting my hope in them is. My hope, my joy, my excitement should come from my time with the Lord. I remember a time when it truly did.
I worked for a medical device company in the Clear Lake area close to 8 years. I started there when I was just 20 years old, and stayed there until I moved to Massachusetts just before my 28th birthday. Those 8 years have a lot of significance to me. I grew up, became and an adult, and learned responsibility at this place. I worked long, hard hours, and I learned a lot about loyalty both to people and to corporations. But, one thing that I had during those 8 years was a lot of time with the Lord. Many days I would spend my lunch hour in my car, reading my bible, praying and singing worship songs. I'm sure I looked like a loony toon out there doing that, but I truly did not care. Then, I had a couple of years that I worked in the cleanroom, and much of that time was during overtime hours when I would be the only one in there. I can't tell you the number of hours I would spend praying while I worked. It was a precious time, and time I will never get back. I may find myself being able to spend time in prayer like that again one day, but I can't see that anytime soon with young children at home and their needs taking precedence over my need to communicate with my Lord.
The point of that story is that during that time of my life, I felt the most fulfilled I have ever felt in my walk with God. I love my life now, but I miss my alone time with the Lord. A dear friend recently sent me an e-mail talking about this very subject, and it allowed me to walk down memory lane in my mind and think about that time I had. I am trying to figure out how to incorporate more time with God during my already busy day. Time with God is time that we can enter into His presence and be renewed in our spirit and soul. It's a time of refreshing. It's a time that when we Enter, we win. We win in every way possible when we find our joy, and our excitement through Him. He gives us life, and life more abundantly!
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