Breathe in, Breathe out...

I have to remind myself to do this quite often.  I get so hurried in my days, sometimes I feel like I don't even remember to take a breath.  I am meeting with a dietitian now, and one thing she tasked me with was to write down what a "normal" week looks like for me.  Once I wrote it all down, I realized I was filling in my down time with unnecessary errands and "noise".  I quote noise because all the social media, tv, computer time, texting, chatting on the phone and even volunteering has become noise in my life.  I'm sure it's noise in lots of lives.  But, really, we need to moderate it.  It can get out of control when it becomes priority to check your e-mail before spending time with the Lord.  I am guilty of letting my priorities get out of order. 

It's funny that this task given to me by my dietitian came just as our church was starting a new series titled "Chaos".  I am hungry for the Lord more than ever before.  For the first time in years I wept before the Lord as I prayed the other day.  It was a heart of true repentance and a longing for God's presence in my life like I've never felt before that drew me to that place.  I felt so cleansed and refreshed after I prayed.  I am thankful for the work that God is doing in me and through me.  I don't see the work He is doing until after it is done, usually.  I feel differently this time.  In the midst of the growth, I am seeing His work and His hand on my life. 

I haven't checked in here in a while, and I hope to do so again soon.  The holidays are upon us, and I want to use this time to grow closer to the friends God has blessed me with, and enjoy His presence during this precious time. 

The Miracle of Love

I've been giving a lot of thought this week to the miracle that is love.  We all experience love in some form at some point in our lives.  The truest form of love is the love that is from God our Father.  I was inspired by this weeks study in our small group from Francis Chan's "Forgotten God".  Though the chapter was not specifically about love, it did stand out to me as a theme throughout each section of the chapter.  He poses the question at the end of the chapter "ask the Holy Spirit this 'Who can I love for You today?'"  Wow! 
Many of us seek miracles, wait for miracles, or pray for miracles only to overlook that the greatest miracle is the love we show to those who do not know God, so they can become fully devoted followers of Christ.  That is a great miracle that is often overshadowed by the "seen" miracles of physical healing, financial breakthrough, marital healing, etc.  Let's be a "miracle" in someones life today.  Ask God to show you who He wants you to love today. 

Love is such an important subject to God.  He inspired the writers of the bible to talk about close to 400 times!  It seems like He wants to get His point across to us!  Here are just a few reminders:

John 3:16 - For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

1 Corinthians 13:13 - So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

Colossians 3:14 - And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.

1 Peter 4:8 - Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.

Father God, I am so thankful for Your love.  You have given the ultimate sacrifice in Jesus Christ, and have made me Yours.  I thank You for Your love that is in me, and that I can be that miracle for someone today.  Show me, Lord, who can I love for You today?

Reflections and Hopes

This is the eve of Luke's 6th birthday.  I can remember being so nervous six years ago as I was about to deliver Luke by scheduled C-section.  I had to be at the hospital by 5a.m. so they could get everything ready for surgery.  I was most nervous about the epidural of all things.  That went amazingly well!  In fact, after Luke was born, I thought to myself, I could do that 6 more times.  I may be a little biased, but he was absolutely THE MOST beautiful baby boy I had ever seen.  He was so tiny and perfect.  We called him our peanut.  Those first few months were so precious as a family of 3.  Todd was working for himself and was home all the time.  I recovered from my c-section and he took care of both of us.  I remember holding him in the middle of the night one night and thinking, this is going to go by so fast.  I prayed over him that night. 

I love Luke so much.  He's so tender-hearted, sweet, loving, interesting, funny and wise little boy.  He has a heart of gold, and really cares about the feelings of others.  I pray that he will always walk with the Lord, that he is wise beyond his years, and that he is full of God's love to share with others.  I pray that he is taught of the Lord and great is his peace and undisturbed composure.  I trust that God has a purpose and a plan for him that he will know at an early age and pursue with all of his efforts.  I pray that he will always be quick to forgive, slow to be angry and wise with his words toward others.  He is my special boy, and I love him so much.  I am so grateful that God chose Todd and I to be his parents!   

Back to Life

I'm not going to jump and shout that I'm cured of depression and I'll never experience it again, but I will rejoice that I seem to be responding well to medication, exercise and lifestyle changes.  I feel more at rest, no matter what is going on, and my kids are the direct beneficiaries of that!  I also feel more focused, less stressed, and less anxious!  Praise God for His faithfulness and direction!  He has guided me through the storm. 

God has been especially good to me by blessing me with beautiful women who encourage me and have given me some laughter and good memories.  I hope to be saying that 20 years from now about the same beautiful women!  I couldn't ask for a better husband as he has been so gracious toward me, and has given me the time I need to get better and any quiet time I've needed.  He truly loves me "as Christ loves the church".  He is absolutely the BEST!!!! 

I hope to be back on a regular posting schedule soon.  I'm sure once school starts that I'll be posting often.  This is the first time I'll have Luke in school all day, and Jacob will be at MDO 2 days a week!  WOW!  I have lots of hopes for those times, but we will see what I get done.  :)

Seasons

I love each of the seasons for different reasons.  Fall is a wonderful time of harvest celebrations, pumpkin patches, school starting and my favorite holiday, Thanksgiving.  Spring is a time of new life, fresh beginnings, flowers, perfect sunny days and celebrating the resurrection of Christ Jesus.  Summer is filled with long, lazy days, fun activities, cookouts, playing in the sun and water, and feeling patriotic on the 4th of July.  Winter is a time to huddle in with family and friends, dress in warm comfy clothes, baking and eating soups and treats and the celebration of the birth of Jesus.  I love each season for different reasons.

Today I was thinking that I just couldn't wait until the fall.  I often find that I'm waiting for the next season to get here, no matter what season we are in.  When it is cold outside, I can't wait for summer.  When it is hot outside, I'm ready for fall and winter.  I find that I'm doing that with my "life seasons", too.  When I was single, I couldn't wait to get married.  When I got married, I couldn't wait to have kids.  When my kids were born, I couldn't wait for them to talk, walk and be little people.  Now, I am seeing this and wondering, "am I wishing my life away"?  I want to enjoy each season for what it is, both "life seasons" and "natural seasons". 

Lord, please don't let me waste my time longing for the next phase.  Help me to appreciate and enjoy the season I'm in, no matter what season it may be.  Help me to not look back at past seasons longing for aspects of those seasons, but to be content and fully present in the season I'm in.  Thank you, God, for giving me peace and an understanding of who You are through your natural cycle in our world.  You are good, God!  Thank you for keeping me in check!

God is faithful

God is so faithful!  I have been struggling with depression for months, although the reality is that it's probably been years.  However, it reached a breaking point during this summer.  I couldn't even function in my home, not making dinner (other than hot dogs, chicken nuggets, etc), not washing clothes, etc.  It was becoming increasingly difficult to even get out of bed in the mornings, and having to force myself to stay awake during the day.  I'd often find myself nodding off on the couch while the kids played only to be awakened by a loud crashing noise of some sort.  I have been moody, snippy, and downright horrible to my sweet, loving boys.  They have bore the brunt of my anger and unhappiness.  I'm thankful for a loving, patient husband who has endured and prayed for me.  I've been less than pleasant to live with, I'm sure.

But God.  God is so good.  I know there will always be times when I need to get myself in check, and I'm still in the process of healing.  I don't think it's an overnight thing, but I am seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.  I have started working out again to release natural endorphins.  The first day after my first workout, Todd said he could see a twinkle in my eye.  That meant the world to me!  I'm making time for girlfriends, and establishing closer bonds with girls I admire and love.  I'm taking a deep breath before dealing with my kids.  I'm catching up with old friends who mean a lot to me.  I'm just taking a lot of natural steps to healing.  I'll be seeing my doctor in a couple of weeks to discuss starting other options.  I had a ton of blood work done in the spring to figure out why I was having certain physical symptoms.  A dear friend told me that there is some release in speaking about what's going on, that it give the offender less control over you.  Since I've been talking to my closest girlfriends and husband about this, I have felt a release and depression does not have the same hold on me as it did before.  I know I'm on the road to recovery, but I know I have to work at this and not be complacent about it.  I am truly grateful and thankful for those friends who I have confided in, who have taken the time to talk to me about their stories, and who have prayed for me.  God is so faithful!  He meets us right where we are!

Struggling

I haven't been posting regularly.  I'm struggling.  Struggling with a lot of issues.  I've battled self-worth issues and occasional depression since my late teens.  Every now and then it rears it's ugly head and I have to face it head on.  This time, I feel differently about it.  I'm just letting it run it's course rather than pulling myself up and tackling it.  I can't explain it.  If I'm not reaching out to others right now, it's really selfishness on my part as I'm completely burned out, and feel the need to focus on my own needs.  

I feel as I have nothing to give to anyone, including my family and closest friends.  I'm barely getting in a shower each day.  I don't exactly love admitting my flaws, but feel that is the first step to establishing real, life-long relationships.  If you can't be transparent with your friends, you might as well become a hermit and not have any friends to fool.  I guess I'm writing this as sort of a release for me.  I've felt pent up for weeks now.  Todd has asked me almost daily what he can do for me.  

Unfortunately, right now, there is nothing he can do but to pray.  Please pray for me, too.  This is something I'd like to overcome completely.  Honestly, I know what I need to do, but have absolutely NO motivation or will-power to do it.  I don't even have the desire to get the motivation, which kind of frustrates me!  So, if you think of me, pray for me.  God knows what I have need of.

Oh be careful little ears what you hear

I liked this song when I was little.  I don't really remember singing it at church, but I remember my mom singing it to me.  I think we may have even had a cassette tape with this song and a few other church songs for kids.  I've been giving thought to the things we listen to.  One thing that has captured my attention is how discontentment breeds or infects anyone who stays around it.  We all have "off" days where we might complain about something, or have our fill of something.  I'm not talking about that.  I'm thinking more of those folks who can not find happiness no matter where they look.  It seems that they live life full of discontentment.  They are just miserable people, who, for whatever reason can't get past their discontentment.  Henry David Thoreau said it like this "If misery loves company, misery has company enough". 

My thought has been focused more on how we should reach out to people who are miserable, but keep distance enough to not let their misery infect our hearts.  I've noticed that when unhappy people get around a happy person, that happy person begins to find fault where they once did not.  They begin to see life through different glasses.  It's unfortunate that it is generally easier for the unhappy person to bring down the happy person rather than the happy person bringing up the unhappy person.  Proverbs 18:21 says "Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits."  When someone is constantly speaking "death" words and not "life" words to you, you begin to believe those words over God's word.  I had a youth pastor who would tell us "garbage in, garbage out."  We have to be careful who we surround ourselves with, who we allow to speak into our lives.  I know a woman who was somewhat unhappy in her marriage, but didn't really consider divorce as an option.  However, she started hanging out with some women who were either already divorced or strongly considering it.  Once she started hanging out with these women, suddenly divorce became the only option for her happiness in her mind. 

Unfortunately, it's not always as blatant as that.  It can sometimes be as simple as song lyrics or books that we read.  (No, I'm not saying we need to go burn all our secular CD's and Books).  We should just be a little more guarded over what we meditate on.  This is really all for me right now.  I've noticed that as I listen to those who might not be "life" speakers, I start to view myself and others differently.  This is why I am so thankful for my husband.  No, he's not perfect, but he ALWAYS helps bring things into perspective for me.  God is awesome like that!  He knew I would need him in my life, and we are a great compliment to each other when it comes to our words and what we hear.  I generally speak well of everyone, but when I start to have negative feelings or words coming out of me, Todd will always bring me back to God's word. 

I don't usually quote from the Message bible, but I do like Psalms 141:3-6 in that version : "Post a guard at my mouth, God, set a watch at the door of my lips. Don't let me so much as dream of evil or thoughtlessly fall into bad company. And these people who only do wrong— don't let them lure me with their sweet talk! May the Just One set me straight, may the Kind One correct me, Don't let sin anoint my head."

Let's be careful what we hear, see, say, and do!  In all our ways, let's acknowledge Him so He can direct our paths!  :)  Don't worry, be happy! 

p.s.  I hope this one made sense... I'm exhausted and my computer keeps crashing on me. 

Enter to Win

I am a sweepstakes junkie.  It's true, I'm a sucker for "Enter to win".  It's the magic words that draw me in every single time.  All I have to do is write down my information and I could win my dream house, a new car, some cash, a free flight, etc.  I've entered them all, and I love imagining what it would be like to be the winner of something big like that. 

I've been reminded recently that I'm seeking for that ultimate joy, the rush of excitement through things that might not happen.  Don't we all do that?  The thing we so long for to happen may never happen while life just passes us by.  I don't think that entering sweepstakes is wrong, but putting my hope in them is.  My hope, my joy, my excitement should come from my time with the Lord.  I remember a time when it truly did. 

I worked for a medical device company in the Clear Lake area close to 8 years.  I started there when I was just 20 years old, and stayed there until I moved to Massachusetts just before my 28th birthday.  Those 8 years have a lot of significance to me.  I grew up, became and an adult, and learned responsibility at this place.  I worked long, hard hours, and I learned a lot about loyalty both to people and to corporations.  But, one thing that I had during those 8 years was a lot of time with the Lord.  Many days I would spend my lunch hour in my car, reading my bible, praying and singing worship songs.  I'm sure I looked like a loony toon out there doing that, but I truly did not care.  Then, I had a couple of years that I worked in the cleanroom, and much of that time was during overtime hours when I would be the only one in there.  I can't tell you the number of hours I would spend praying while I worked.  It was a precious time, and time I will never get back.  I may find myself being able to spend time in prayer like that again one day, but I can't see that anytime soon with young children at home and their needs taking precedence over my need to communicate with my Lord. 

The point of that story is that during that time of my life, I felt the most fulfilled I have ever felt in my walk with God.  I love my life now, but I miss my alone time with the Lord.  A dear friend recently sent me an e-mail talking about this very subject, and it allowed me to walk down memory lane in my mind and think about that time I had.  I am trying to figure out how to incorporate more time with God during my already busy day.  Time with God is time that we can enter into His presence and be renewed in our spirit and soul.  It's a time of refreshing.  It's a time that when we Enter, we win.  We win in every way possible when we find our joy, and our excitement through Him.  He gives us life, and life more abundantly!

Unplugged

It's been exactly one month since I last blogged.  It's not that I haven't had anything to blog about, but I just haven't made the time.  By the time I'd be able to sit at my computer for more than a second, my thought would leave and I'd forget what I wanted to write.  Such is life.  I had some time during my unplanned "unplugging" to think about what is taking priority in my life.  I don't know about anyone else, but my time with God has diminished greatly as my time with technology has increased.  I just have not made the Lord my highest priority.  So, I have kind of unplugged from some of the activity that was totally drowning me.  Less time on Facebook, less time on tv, leaving all "mommy" groups except for bible study, and soon my iPhone will be going away (hallelujah!!!). 

I'm chipping away at these things that are eating away at my spirit man.  An addict is not formed overnight, but over a period of time when the "drug" of choice takes over and rules the choices we make.  Much attention is given to addicts of substances that are harmful to the body, but what about substances that are harmful to the spirit?  It's not that I think facebook is evil, but when it takes priority over time with God, then it becomes a tool for the enemy to distract us from our purpose.  The enemy of our soul desires to distract us from time with God so that we never fully realize our destiny or purpose, thus never fulfilling our purpose.  However, the Lover of our soul desires to fill us in every way possible that would far exceed anything that facebook, tv, friends, gadgets could possibly try to bring us joy.  Psalm 37 puts it like this "Trust in the LORD and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.  Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart.  Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him and he will do this.

Verse 4 in the King James Version of the bible reads "Delight thyself in the Lord: and He shall give thee the desires of thine heart."  Generally, people read this scripture and hear only the second half "He shall give me the desires of my heart" they say.  For many years, I was one of those people.  I failed to read the full verse, or any of the verses before or after it.  I'm not just asking God to fulfill desires for a new house, a new this or that, but more importantly, "God, fill my heart with desires for you!"  "God, fill my heart with desires for your purpose in me!"  Years ago, my prayer would have been "God, my desire is ________, now fill it".  Wow!  Fail.  But, now, I want more of Him!  Less of me, Lord, more of you! 

So, the whole point of this is that I needed the past month to "delight myself in the Lord".  I'm not done, I need MORE of Him!  I might be even more sporadic on FB, less likely to know which shows are cool and who said what and when they said it.  I'm okay with that.  Those things don't have eternal value, but time with my Lord does.  If I have to unplug even more, then so be it.  If I don't, then Lord, help me to use those tools for your glory, and not my own.

I Do It Myself

I like how God uses unsuspecting people, things, or nature to give us little lessons.  My 2 year old, Jacob, is in the phase of toddlerhood where he is exploring independence, determined to do things on his own.  Today, while at my mom's house, she asked me to turn on the television for Jacob.  I went for the remote, and Jacob grabbed it saying "I do it myself".  He was pressing all the wrong buttons, not getting anywhere.  I kept saying, "Let me do it for you, let me help you".  I had this sudden revelation that God is doing the same thing in our lives.  He is saying to us, "Let me help you" and we respond "I do it myself".  God is waiting to help us in our times of need, questioning, doubting.  Some of us still are in our toddler years, or even adult years yelling back at God that we can do it all alone.  The truth is, if we really got to the heart of all of our issues, we'd find a list of turning points when we insisted on doing it our way instead of God's way.

I often go back to a time when I know that I know that I know that I was in the perfect will of God.  The peace that I had at that time was like none other.  It was summer of 1995 through spring of 1996.  This is not the only time in my life that I knew I was following God's plan, but it's the one that I'm thinking about right now.  That summer of 1995, I was an adult leader going with a bunch of teenagers and other adult leaders on a missions trip to Managua, Nicaragua.  I had no idea what was in store for me on that trip.  We did the usual crusade type of things, went into orphanages, schools and town squares.  We did dramas and outreaches.  It was an amazing time.  But, while we were there, I had a strong urgency in my spirit to pray about going back.  I prayed from August through the beginning of January until I knew that it was time.  In January, I called the pastors there and asked if it would be possible for me to come and if I'd have a place to stay, etc.  That night, I booked my flight; the next day, I quit my job (which is whole other awesome story that ties into this, but kind of long).  I left on February 5, 1996 for Managua and lived with a beautiful family for 3 months.  It was truly one of the most rewarding and significant experiences of my life.  I play those months over in my head many times a year. 

There was just something wonderful and special about being in God's will, and knowing without a doubt that I was.  I didn't do anything in my own power, but God opened doors for me.  Imagine if we lived our entire lives that way?  How wonderful would it be to experience God's perfect will, His hand guiding us in every decision, every question, every doubt?  This is what I strive for!  I can say that I still struggle with "I do it myself", but God is still there waiting to turn things on for me, just as I was there for Jacob waiting to turn things on.  He finally gave in and handed me the remote, and to his surprise, his favorite show was on.  Just like God to show us His good thoughts toward us through our children.  :)

Peace and Quiet

Since having children, I have longed for some peace and quiet in the morning hours.  I stay up later than I should to gain a sliver of quiet time, but I fill it with computer or tv noise.  We have so much noise in our lives, and with the addition of "social networking" and other technology, that noise has increased 100 times.  By the time I get to bed, my head is spinning, and I'm thinking of all the people going through problems, all the people enjoying successes, all the people....  So, the past few weeks, I've been going to bed a little earlier.  It's not that I've wanted to sleep at 9:30, but my body has needed the sleep. 

On the reverse end of that, I've been waking up at 2 or 3 every morning, wide awake and not able to go back to sleep until 5.  I have come to savor those 2-3 hours every morning.  It's dark, everyone is asleep, it is peaceful in my home and it is QUIET!  I've been praying that the Lord would help me to make this a habit, but that I would wake up at 5 rather than 2.  I'd like to have a couple of hours each morning before the family gets up to read my bible, pray and have some time to reflect and meditate.  I'm not as likely to turn on the computer or tv at 5 in the morning, and I need this carved out time for the Lord.  So, if you pray for me, pray that my body will adjust and I'll have the diligence to do this.

Lean not on your own understanding

I have been meditating on Proverbs 3 all week.  There is so much in this one Proverb, written by Solomon.  If we want to live a successful life, Proverbs 3 gives us the foundation for that.  Verse 5 keeps ringing in my heart:  Trust in the Lord with ALL your heart, and lean not on your own understanding.  Man, that is a powerful statement.  I don't know about you, but I am the expert of my life.  HA!  If I look at the history of my life, I see strong faith, weak faith, all over the place faith.  Thank God for his mercy.  He loves me just the way I am, but is always working in me.  When I think of trusting the Lord with all my heart, initially I say "YES, I can do this"  "He is my God, He is my help, He is everything to me".  And this voice in my head pops up "But how are you going to work this out, how are you going to get through this, how are YOU going to make it happen?"  It takes a great deal of faith to let go and fall into the hands of God.  I think of those ropes courses that were popular in the 90's for team building and other seminars where you have to "trust" your team members to catch you or hold you up if you can't go on.  God is the ultimate team leader waiting to catch you if you should fall or hold you up when you feel defeated in life.  Leaning on my own understanding or "trying to figure it all out on my own" does not bring anything but grief and worry.  I have had to learn this lesson over and over and over and....  let's just say that the Lord has been faithful to me when I have not always been faithful to Him.  I often try to figure my problems out before trying to go to the Lord in prayer.  As I write this, I am encouraged to go to Him about things that I haven't yet.  This is building my own faith, and I hope it is building yours as well.  Trust in Him, don't lean on your own experience, understanding or knowledge!  His ways are higher, He sees our past, present and future and He holds us in the palm of His hand!  Thank you God for being so faithful.  You are so good to me!


Proverbs 3 (NIV)

¹ My son, do not forget my teaching,
   but keep my commands in your heart,
² for they will prolong your life many years
   and bring you peace and prosperity.
 ³ Let love and faithfulness never leave you;
   bind them around your neck,
   write them on the tablet of your heart.
⁴ Then you will win favor and a good name
   in the sight of God and man.
 ⁵ Trust in the LORD with all your heart
   and lean not on your own understanding;
⁶ in all your ways submit to him,
   and he will make your paths straight.
 ⁷ Do not be wise in your own eyes;
   fear the LORD and shun evil.
⁸ This will bring health to your body
   and nourishment to your bones.
 ⁹ Honor the LORD with your wealth,
   with the firstfruits of all your crops;
¹⁰ then your barns will be filled to overflowing,
   and your vats will brim over with new wine.
 ¹¹ My son, do not despise the LORD’s discipline,
   and do not resent his rebuke,
¹² because the LORD disciplines those he loves,
   as a father the son he delights in.
 ¹³ Blessed are those who find wisdom,
   those who gain understanding,
¹⁴ for she is more profitable than silver
   and yields better returns than gold.
¹⁵ She is more precious than rubies;
   nothing you desire can compare with her.
¹⁶ Long life is in her right hand;
   in her left hand are riches and honor.
¹⁷ Her ways are pleasant ways,
   and all her paths are peace.
¹⁸ She is a tree of life to those who take hold of her;
   those who hold her fast will be blessed.
 ¹⁹ By wisdom the LORD laid the earth’s foundations,
   by understanding he set the heavens in place;
²⁰ by his knowledge the watery depths were divided,
   and the clouds let drop the dew.
 ²¹ My son, do not let wisdom and understanding out of your sight,
   preserve sound judgment and discretion;
²² they will be life for you,
   an ornament to grace your neck.
²³ Then you will go on your way in safety,
   and your foot will not stumble.
²⁴ When you lie down, you will not be afraid;
   when you lie down, your sleep will be sweet.
²⁵ Have no fear of sudden disaster
   or of the ruin that overtakes the wicked,
²⁶ for the LORD will be at your side
   and will keep your foot from being snared.
 ²⁷ Do not withhold good from those to whom it is due,
   when it is in your power to act.
²⁸ Do not say to your neighbor,
   “Come back tomorrow and I’ll give it to you”—
   when you already have it with you.
²⁹ Do not plot harm against your neighbor,
   who lives trustfully near you.
³⁰ Do not accuse anyone for no reason—
   when they have done you no harm.
 ³¹ Do not envy the violent
   or choose any of their ways.
 ³² For the LORD detests the perverse
   but takes the upright into his confidence.
³³ The LORD’s curse is on the house of the wicked,
   but he blesses the home of the righteous.
³⁴ He mocks proud mockers
   but shows favor to the humble and oppressed.
³⁵ The wise inherit honor,
   but fools get only shame.

Revisiting Goals

One of my goals for this year was to spend more quality time with the friends that I've made and hold dear.  I want real and deep relationships, not just surface acquaintances.  I have not done anything toward this goal this year.  I have good intentions, but no follow through.  I've set several dates for inviting people over for a cookout, dinner, games, whatever.  Then, each time I set the date on paper, something comes up.  This is why I'm really looking forward to our small group retreat in a week and a half. 

For me, it will be a time to reconnect with friends, and just have some time to think and work through the things going on in my life.  It's hard to spend much time doing that when you have two young children who require more time than there is in a day!  I wouldn't trade it for anything, but I am REALLY looking forward to a couple of days of refocusing and revisiting some of my goals for the year.  It's probably good to do that every couple of months anyway.  At the beginning of the new year, there is so much hope, wonder and excitement about what the year will bring.  I start each year wondering "what does God have in store for this year".  A few months, or even weeks sometimes, into the year and some of those goals get lost in the shuffle of day to day life. 

Thank you Lord for helping me to refocus my priorities, yet again.  Thank you for giving me peace in the process.  I praise you Lord for giving me hope and a future!

March 31

I couldn't let March end with only 2 posts in the entire month.  This has been quite the month, and I've made no time for writing.  Well, I've written a bit in my journals, but nothing on my blog.  I felt a renewed energy to write something daily after reading an article yesterday about this.  The article was about how people who are successful in their goals choose to do their goals daily.  For instance, if I want to look back at the end of this year and say that I've successfully maintained a blog, I should do so daily for a year.  It likely doesn't need to be long blogs or deeply thought provoking, just something to accomplish my goal.  So, I'll give it a try to see how I do. 

Seeking Him

I have not written a blog post in a while.  It's not that I haven't wanted to, I just really had nothing inspiring to write, nothing really on my heart to talk about.  We've had some minor trials here at our house.  Just some medical issues that had to be resolved and the resulting medical bills that follow.  Beyond that, I was just feeling a little uninspired for just about everything in my life.  Blase'...

When I was 15 years old, I attended summer church camp as I had 2 years prior to that, and would another 3 years after.  For some reason, the camp that year stands out in my mind because we broke into small groups daily, meeting in our cabins to discuss the theme of the week.  My camp counselor asked us to write down the person in the bible we most enjoy reading about and why.  I immediately chose David, the psalmist, the shepherd, the King.  Back then, I didn't have an in-depth reason for choosing him.  I think I chose him because "He had a heart after God".  I'm not sure if I really understood what that meant at 15 or not.  I know I had heard it enough in my short 15 years to know that it was important. 

Shoot forward 22 years (WOW!!!), and I was asked that question again on a small group questionnaire.  Again, I chose David.  However, at the age of 37, I think I have a better understanding of David, his heart after God and all of his flaws.  Reading some of his writings in the psalms, you can immediately get the sense that he was trying to constantly please God, but falling short in his own eyes.  Sometimes I joke that David was a little bipolar.  One moment he is down in the dumps over his sin and feeling that God is so far away from him, and in the next breath, he is praising and trusting God.  Psalm 22 is a great example of that.  I think David represents how I feel.  One moment I have complete trust in the Lord to hold me up, to provide, to comfort, and in the next breath, I am questioning His ability to do just what He has promised to do in His word.  After talking to Todd yesterday, I realized that I have allowed my faith to dwindle over the past 10 years.  I haven't sought God fully.  The message at church yesterday was about seeking God first, and I know that I don't completely do that.  When Todd and I met, I believed that the impossible was possible.  I believed that the extraordinary would be common in our lives.  I got discouraged over the years by putting off my time with the Lord in favor of other activities, and I can see the ripple effect in so many areas of my life.  It's amazing how seeking Him first, pursuing Him passionately will bring complete trust and faith in Him.  I am resolving now to SEEK HIM first.  Make HIM a priority.  So many churches have become entertainment venues, self-help seminars and conferences.  It's less about falling in love with Jesus and more about making yourself the best you can be!  Isn't that a shame that our priorities have fallen so out of line with what He has called us to be and do?  I am so inspired by the message shared at church yesterday that all I want to do is fall in love with Jesus all over again. 

It Is Well With My Soul

I have a quiet peace tonight in the midst of a lot of unknowns.  Todd has been sick for a couple of weeks with no resolution to what is going on in his body.  He's in pain, and I can't do anything to help him.  He will need to see more doctors in the next week or so, and probably have more tests to find the root cause.  Our finances are a wreck, gas prices are outrageous, medical bills are heading our way, yet I have an indescribable peace.  For the past few weeks, I've had the old hymn "It Is Well With My Soul" in my head.  I take it as God's way of giving me peace and letting me know that He is taking care of things on my behalf.  Thank you, Lord, for your loving kindness.  Psalm 63:3 "Because your loving kindness is better than life, my lips shall praise you."  I praise you Lord!  You are so good to us.  I honor you in all that I do!  Thank you for providing, for healing, for protecting us.  Thank you, Lord for giving us your peace.  It is well, it is well with my soul.

The title of this blog comes from the old hymn "It is well with my soul" written by Horatio G. Spafford.  He penned this hymn after suffering significant tragedy in his personal life.  If you have time, google the history of this hymn.  It is quite moving!  I've taken the time to write the words here:

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way, When sorrows like sea billows roll; Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say, It is well, it is well, with my soul. Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come, Let this blest assurance control, That Christ has regarded my helpless estate, And hath shed His own blood for my soul. My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought! My sin, not in part but the whole, Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more, Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul! For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live: If Jordan above me shall roll, No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul. But, Lord, ’tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait, The sky, not the grave, is our goal; Oh, trump of the angel! Oh, voice of the Lord! Blessed hope, blessed rest of my soul! And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight, The clouds be rolled back as a scroll; The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend, Even so, it is well with my soul.

Thank God for Weekends

For a Stay at Home Mom, days can get blurred pretty easily and quickly if we don't stay on top of things.  This week is one of those weeks.  All day today I thought it was Tuesday, and it is Thursday.  The week has been a blur to say the least.  Todd had some medical issues early in the week, which escalated to a call to the ambulance, a visit to the cardiologist followed by 6 hours at his office the next day, followed by a visit to his regular doctor, which leads me to now.  Thursday night, taking deep breaths, and trying to get motivated to do what I need to do tomorrow and this weekend.  Oh, and in case you are wondering, Todd's heart is ticking just fine.  Thank God for taking care of my husband! 

But, I can't say that I'm not exhausted, or that I'm not feeling a little defeated tonight, because I am.  It seems like every time Todd takes a step of faith to do something in his walk with God, there is an attack on his physical, mental, financial and even spiritual life.  He has met some new guys that love the Lord, who are starting a bible study.  He is going to join them in this new group, which starts in a couple of weeks.  I'm beyond excited for him!  I know this is something that he's desired for some time, and it definitely something I've desired for him our entire marriage.  I just get so frustrated.  I know 1Peter 5:8 tells us "Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour."  I'm angry enough to say back off devil! 

But, I am also finding comfort in the verse before and the verses after.  1 Peter 5:7 "Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you."  1 Peter 5:9-11 "Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings. ¹⁰ And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. ¹¹ To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen."

So, tonight, I am thanking the Lord that it is Thursday night.  Bring on Friday fun!  Saturday family time and Sunday rest!  Thank you Lord for restoring us and making us strong, firm and steadfast.  You are so good!

Jack Of All Trades... Master of One

I've never considered myself a "master" of anything.  I'm good at a few things, I'm capable of much more than most people know.  However, being Master implies that I've trained for many years for something, working hard to achieve a level of excellence that few have worked to achieve.  A few days ago, I started thinking about how I became a "master" at laziness.  The idea of working toward this, putting many hours, weeks and even years into becoming a master at it seems daunting to some.  I didn't set out one morning to be the best lazy person on the planet, but I did slowly allow it to creep in and become master to me.  I don't want to be a slave to laziness anymore. 

Proverbs 6:6-11 "Take a lesson from the ants, you lazybones.  Learn from their ways and become wise!
 ⁷ Though they have no prince or governor or ruler to make them work,
 ⁸ they labor hard all summer, gathering food for the winter.
 ⁹ But you, lazybones, how long will you sleep? When will you wake up?
 ¹⁰ A little extra sleep, a little more slumber, a little folding of the hands to rest—
 ¹¹ then poverty will pounce on you like a bandit; scarcity will attack you like an armed robber."

If you had come to my house a year ago, you would have surely felt uncomfortable by the amount of clutter.  The chaos going on inside of me was reflected inside my house.  Then, last March, I had a personal breakthrough forcing me to take inventory of what I was placing value in.  I began to de-clutter, throwing out old papers and things that weren't used in some time.  I gave 6 bags of old clothes to the Goodwill.  I put much more in my garage for a garage sale (which I still haven't had).  I have now set a date (MARCH 5) for this garage sale!  I'm making progress toward my goal of not giving in to a lifestyle of laziness this year!  I'm a work in progress, but I can look now and say with certainty that God is changing me from the inside out! 

Speaking of "From the Inside Out", there is a Hillsong United song that I love so much by that title.  The lyrics are: 
A thousand times I've failed
Still your mercy remains
And should I stumble again
Still I'm caught in your grace

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame

My heart and my soul, I give You control
Consume me from the inside out Lord
Let justice and praise, become my embrace
To love You from the inside out

Your will above all else, my purpose remains
The art of losing myself in bringing you praise

THIS is my prayer, and I can see God working it in me!  I am excited that little projects that I've had in my mind or on paper for years are starting to get completed!  I am excited that I finally gave my body issues over to the Lord this week and felt freedom from the foods that was holding me down!  But, I'm most excited that I don't "feel" lazy.  I'm gettig dressed every morning, "to the shoes" as flylady would say.  I'm clearing certain spaces no matter how messy they get during the day, each and every day.  I enjoy coming downstairs in the mornings to find a clean living room and kitchen.  It feels so much more calm and peaceful!  I am excited about life, excited about making progress, the idea of having people over, and working toward new goals!  God is good and He is freeing me from being a Master, or servant for that matter, of laziness!!! 

All who are thirsty

This song is performed by several artists in Christian music today.  I really like the title "All Who are Thirsty".  The main part of the song goes like this: 

All who are thirsty
All who are weak
Come to the fountain
Dip your heart in the stream of life
Let the pain and the sorrow
Be washed away
In the waves of His mercy
As deep cries out to deep

While the past 6 weeks of this new year have been remarkable for me in reaching some personal goals, we have been experiencing a financial struggle that we haven't had in a while.  I shouldn't really use the word struggle as we are not destitute, just making difficult choices, and I'm not shopping much.  I started having a little bit of panic a couple of weeks ago while working on the budget and literally seeing zero dollars in the left over column.  That means, zero going into savings, and actually dipping into savings to cover all expenses.  My mind initially went to "trust in God", but my heart did not.  I couldn't let it rest.  I needed to be in control of this, and quickly.  I started trying to think of how I could make some money, did I need to go back to work, did I need to hurry up and do a quick garage sale rather than get all my stuff together in an organized way...  I was trying to think of anything "I" could do.  Finally, after talking to my mom about it this morning, peace came over me.  I'm sure she was praying.  If I know my mom, and I do, she prayed quickly after getting off the phone with me.  There are so many scriptures on peace, but the one I often refer to during times of crisis is Philippians 4:6-7 "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."  I suddenly felt less anxious, and peace covered me. 

So, I'm going to the fountain to satisfy my thirst.  Thirsty for more of you, Lord!  Thank you for providing for me through your word, and through your promises in your Word! 

• Psalm 37:25 "I have been young and now I am old, yet I have not seen the righteous forsaken or his descendants begging bread." 
• Philippians 4:19 "And my God will supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus."
• Isaiah 41:10 "'Do not fear, for I am with you; do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand."
• Psalm 55:22 "Cast your burden on the Lord [releasing the weight of it] and He will sustain you; He will never allow the [consistently] righteous to be moved (made to slip, fall, or fail)"
• Matthew 6:31-34 "So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ ³² For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. ³³ But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. ³⁴ Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

Wow!!!  God's word is full of promises, and He is a God that should not lie.  (Numbers 23:19)  I get so excited to think and meditate on that!  His word is the same yesterday, today and forever.  I am so at peace thinking on Him, on His Word tonight.  I wish I would have gone to Him a couple of weeks ago!  I'm going to work on my bible study a bit tonight before bed, and my heart is so full of hope and His promise that He is in control.  When  I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, He becomes the lamp to light my pathway.  When I am unable to "plan" my future, He leads me in new directions!  It's so exciting to serve a living God!  So, if you are thirsty, feeling weak, come to the fountain, dip your heart in the stream of life!  He wants to fill you with His peace.  He wants to be your source in your time of need.  Open your heart and let the waves of His mercy overtake you, fill you with His peace and amazing Grace!

Changes are happening

Some of my more personal goals for the year were toward my family.  I wanted to be a calmer influence on my children.  I wanted to be a better wife.  I wanted to clean out the clutter in the house so that the house would feel more peaceful.  I am so happy to say that some of those changes are taking place.  I am taking it day by day.  Some days are more productive than others, and the kids seem to be calming down a little more as I calm down more.  It's not that we are wild animals here, so I guess the right wording would be that my approach toward them when they are over-excited has changed.  I react less, and plan more.  I am thinking ahead about what to say in each situation.  There will always be room to grow, and new approaches to learn, but I am so excited to see the changes taking place. 

We have decided to put Luke in a Christian school for "big kid" kindergarten next year.  This was given a lot of thought and prayer between Todd and I.  We knew at the start of this past school year that we would have him do kinder again next year, and God has continuously confirmed to us that this is the right decision for our precious boy.  We are so excited about his future, and are absolutely loving this stage of his life.  He's so intelligent.  I can't believe that he's reading and doing simple math problems!  However, we notice that Luke tends to follow older kids, and he deals with strong emotions.  Allowing him the opportunity to have an extra year to mature will help him further down the road.  We visited the school last week for our interview.  He had to be tested without us being in the room.  He scored 81 correct answers out of 83!  The teacher wrote on the paper that he was VERY SMART (in all caps)! 

Our biggest struggle was not in deciding whether or not to push him through to kinder, but in deciding if we could or should do Christian schooling.  We've heard arguments from every angle on the matter.  I truly believe that each child is different and their needs are different.  Each parent is different and their desires for their children are different.  I was afforded the opportunity to attend private Christian schooling in my elementary years until 5th grade.  Those years are some of my most memorable, and built my spiritual foundation.  I tested higher than my grade level each year based on the Standford Achievement Tests.  This school also gives those tests to their students and find that they also test higher than the national grade levels.  Our highest priority as Luke and Jacob's parents are to give them every opportunity to learn and know more about Christ.  While we do our part in our home, we really want their early school years to be reinforced with Jesus in their education.  I get so excited when Luke tells me a new memory verse he's learned at school (they get a new one each week).  I know that he is "hiding the word in his heart".  Nothing makes my heart leap more than that.  I can't possibly explain the excitement, joy and true pleasure it brings to me!  I could cry each time he tells me something new that he's learned about Jesus.  I just love it!  So, that was a big source for our decision making.  Strong academics are important to us, but so much more important is the eternal value of a spirit education.  We are excited about what next school year brings, and even more excited to see how it will all play out!  God is providing the way!  We might be in our little house for another few years, but if that's what it takes, we are good with that.  There is a purpose and a plan for everything, and I know that there is a time and a season for everything.  Right now, I am resting in knowing that i am in the perfect plan that God has for this time and season in our life.  Thank you, Jesus!  God, you are so good to us!

Perfect

Perfect.  This word has rolled around in my head all day about lots of different subjects.  I don't even know where to begin.  Perhaps the definition of the word would be a good beginning.  Merriam-Webster defines perfect as a : being entirely without fault or defect : flawless <a perfect diamond> b : satisfying all requirements : accurate c : corresponding to an ideal standard or abstract concept <a perfect gentleman> d : faithfully reproducing the original; specifically.

I often think of myself as less than perfect, and I should.  Only God is perfect, and the above definition backs up my claim.  Romans 3:10 says "As it is written, None is righteous, just and truthful and upright and conscientious, no, not one"  I'm sure most people do it, whether realizing it or not, but comparing yourself to those you view as "perfect" can be detrimental to your self-esteem.  I am a chronic comparer.  I have friends that I truly think are as close to perfect as you can get here on earth.  I often feel that I will never measure up to them, never fit in, etc.  I have struggled ever since I can remember with feeling less than perfect for any number of things.  But today, as I thought about the meaning of perfect, and the fact that God is the only perfect One, I also realized that I have to stop measuring myself to my "perfect" friends and measure myself to who I am in Christ. 

I grew up hearing a minister who taught a lot about being "In Christ".  Romans is a great book that teaches a lot about who we are in Christ.  In Christ, I am justified and made righteous.  Romans 5:1   In Christ, I am free from condemnation.  Romans 8:1   In Christ, I am a temple of God.  1 Corinthians 3:16.  There are so many promises in God's word, and when we can fully realize who we are in Christ, we can walk in those promises.  If I put it in terms that I can fully comprehend, if I didn't know who I was in my family (my parents, sister, etc), I would never fully realize their love, understanding, and promises they hold for me.  Romans 8:14-17 "For those who are led by the Spirit of God are the children of God. ¹⁵ The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship.  And by him we cry, “Abba, Father.” ¹⁶ The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children. ¹⁷ Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory."   We are heirs with Christ.  We must know who we are In Christ.  Don't lose sight of your inheritance in Him.  I'm not talking about money, I'm talking about HIM!  He is our inheritance.  He is our hope!  He is PERFECT!  Psalm 18:30 "As for God, His way is perfect"

Though we may not know perfect people here on earth, we can know the One who holds us and directs our lives is perfect, and He will perfect that which concerns us.  Psalm 138:8 - "The LORD will perfect that which concerns me: your mercy, O LORD, endures for ever: forsake not the works of your own hands."  So, I will keep in the forefront of my  mind that I am not perfect, but neither are any of my friends, family, pastors, church, etc.  Praise God!  He will perfect that which concerns me!  His way is perfect!

God knows everything about us

Today, I feel so blessed, at rest, and fulfilled.  Nothing huge happened today.  Well, not huge in the natural.  However, in the supernatural, I witnessed a small glimpse of how God works.  When we get home from picking Luke up at school, we usually talk about what he learned, if he listened to his teachers, what kind of day he had, etc.  We did all that, and I had some deep cleaning to do in my bedroom and bathroom.  Luke and Jacob played on their own.  A couple of hours later, we went back downstairs.  As I was preparing the food to cook for dinner, Luke popped out Jeremiah 1:5 "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you,  before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations."  Um, WOW!  I had no idea he knew that verse, and word for word at that!  I had to stop myself from jumping up and down and showing too much excitement.  If you are a mom of boys, you probably know what I'm talking about.  At least with Luke, he gets embarrassed and irritated if you make too big a deal out of anything.  He immediately says "I'm bored with that, talk to you later".  LOL!

The point of this long story is that I started to meditate on what my 5 year old son was quoting to me.  I really started thinking of just how much God, the Creator of the universe, loves ME!  He used an unsuspecting, sweet boy to remind me that He KNOWS everything about me.  Before HE formed me, he knew me!  What a concept!  I can understand it.  I have been an artist and have drawn and painted since I was very young.  I still have some of my paintings from when I was 10 years old.  But, as an artist, you have a concept in your head, an idea, a thought of what you want your blank canvas to become before you conceive it.  I think of God as an amazing artist.  He visualized me and knew everything about me before He even created me!  He knows exactly what I have need of in every aspect of my life. 

This brings me to my next thought that I've meditated on today.  I am truly amazed by the variety of people God has placed in my life.  I am so blessed to have strong and confident women, quiet and assured women, gentle and forgiving women, just and merciful women in my life.  I could list every friend and list the attributes I admire most about them, but they know who they are.  The thing that stands out to me is that God knew my personality and what I would need long before I ever knew.  He knew that I would need these specific friends in my life.  He knows what the future holds for each of us, and that gives me so much peace.  He knows our comings and our goings, our ups and downs, ins and outs.  He is so merciful and loving that He chose the exact place and point in history to place us.  It's in knowing Jeremiah 1:5 that we can have that blessed assurance that He holds us in His hand and has everything in control for us.

FOOD

Food.  Ahhh, food.  It's not just considered something to sustain us here, it is considered an unhealthy obsession.  Todd and I occasionally call ourselves "foodies".  Although, I'll admit that he will actually eat the weird stuff, and I tend to stick with what is known.  Todd enjoys shows where they eat ALL of the animal, and then some.  He wants to try the Durian fruit, which is native to Asian countries.  Chef Andrew Zimmern, who eats some of the nastiest things ever imagined, compares this fruit to "completely rotten, mushy onions".  However, Todd and I have talked a lot about our "obsession" with all things food.  We love the flavor, the feelings we get from eating, and the enjoyment we get from making new foods.  It's an unhealthy obsession, and truthfully, you can tell by looking at us.  We are both 50+ pounds heavier than the day we married, and both feel lethargic.  It's not just about portion, but also WHAT I put in my mouth.  I tend to go for the junkiest thing you can find on the menu. 

I read an article today "How to Replace Food Cravings with God Cravings" by Whitney Hopler on Crosswalk.com.  Crosswalk distributes daily devotionals and articles to my e-mail inbox.  I really enjoyed the article, and will be printing it out to read daily, weekly or as much as I need to be reminded of the simple truths.  It's obvious stuff, but when you are trying to take back what you've let go, it's hard to see the course you have to take.  When I was at my healthiest weight, my relationship with God was at my healthiest.  I find this very interesting, because, I do believe God sustains us like nothing else can.  When I started moving further and further from God, I was turning to food to comfort me, bring me peace, and fill me with joy.  Instead, I was drowning myself, becoming heavier and more miserable in my own skin. 

Now I am finding myself turning back to the Lord to sustain me.  I am asking God to give me the desire to be healthy.  I am creating a plan to change.  I am asking friends to get involved and keep me accountable.  I am filling my mind with God's word, moving my body, and letting the Holy Spirit guide me.  I am calling sin what it is (gluttony).  I am getting hungry for holiness, and I am learning my emotional triggers.  (These tips in bold were outlined in the article by Ms. Hopler)  Without a doubt, the hours of 4-7pm are my most stressful part of each day.  The rush to make dinner, eat, bathe the kids, bedtime readiness, etc causes an emotional breakdown for me, which leads me to any source of sugar I can find.  All that sugar affects mood, which turns it all into a cycle that is never ending.  I have noticed that about 30 minutes after a sugar rush, I am fully depressed, angry and snippy.  Wow!  What a revelation to come to you in the midst of the nightly rush!

Years ago, we sang a song in church called "As the Deer Panteth for the Water", which was written based on the scripture Psalm 42:1.  I loved that song, and I still do.  The imagery is beautiful to me.  Here are the lyrics:

As the deer panteth for the water,
So my soul longs after you
You alone are my hearts desire,
And I long to worship You.
Chorus:
You alone are my strength, my shield;
To You alone may my spirit yield
You alone are my hearts desire,
And I long to worship You.
I want you more than gold or silver,
Only You can satisfy
You alone are the real joy giver
And the apple of my eye.


Thank God that He is all we need to be satisfied.  He is an ever-present help in our times of need.  He comforts us, protects us, fully loves us.  I thank God for setting me free from the false satisfaction of food.  I am a work in progress.  If you see me eating excessively, or lots of junk, just check in with me.  I am finding this blog to be more helpful to me than I thought it could be!  Not only am I seeking Him more, I am finding out more about me!  I used to journal frequently, and have not done so in years.  Now that I'm getting back to it, there is a deep fulfilled feeling in me.  Praise God for changing me from glory to glory.  2 Corinthians 3:17-18 - "Now the Lord is the Spirit; and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty.   But we all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just as by the Spirit of the Lord."

Are You a Target for Seduction? - Spiritled Woman

Are You a Target for Seduction? - Spiritled Woman

Iron Sharpens Iron

I am so incredibly blessed to have grown up in church.  I feel even more blessed because I had awesome youth pastors!  My youth pastor, Jimmy Kirby, challenged us to learn the Word, study it, memorize scripture.  "Put the Word in you when you don't "need" it and it will be there when you do!"  Understand that we always need the word, but his point is that we go through highs and lows in life.  When you have studied and hidden the word in your heart during the high seasons, it's there for you in the low seasons.  I have found this to be so true in my life!!!  Jimmy started a discipleship class for us, and I think about a dozen or so youth signed up.  At the time we were running probably 75 strong in our youth group.  This was a lot back in 1990!  Anyway, in discipleship classes, we were asked to memorize LOTS of scripture, make sacrifices in our tv and radio time (this is a big deal for a teenager), and study the word.  One of the scriptures that mean so much to me is Proverbs 27:17 (AMP) "Iron sharpens iron; so a man sharpens the countenance of his friend [to show rage or worthy purpose]." 

I was thinking about this all day today.  We were made to sharpen each other.  I am so thankful for my small group friends, who challenge me in the way I think and the way I approach God.  I am thankful for the women God is placing in my life to challenge me in all aspects ranging from physical, financial, spiritual, etc.  These ladies sharpen me, they make me want to strive to be better.  I miss some of the older, wiser women who once were prominent in my life.  I don't see them much anymore. 

This leads me to what I really am writing about.  One of my goals for this year is to not be lazy.  I'm not off to a great start, but I am slowly making changes.  I think in my head, I envisioned the starting line to a race and that I would take off in a blaze of glory.  Not happening.  So, keep me accountable, friends.  Sharpen me!  Give me tips for saving money, getting organized, achieving goals, being a better mommy, wife and friend.  I know you can't make it happen for me; I need to get moving and do it myself.  However, if you would just continue to encourage me to be productive, I would really appreciate the sharpening!  I'll sharpen you as well!  Love you girls!!!

Fan into flame the gift of God in you

This week started off very discouraging for me.  Sunday night, I broke down and literally felt like I was losing all sanity!  I was speaking in circles and couldn't make a clear thought come out.  I love my boys, but they are, well, BOYS.  They are perfectly funny, active, sweet, active, loving, active, tenderhearted and active boys.  Notice I said active?  By the time bedtime rolled around Sunday night, I was spent.  My two year old, who has taken to jumping off his brother's bed face first, had said "no" and "stupid" one too many times.  My five year old was caught between laughing at what he considers his brother's "funny" antics, and listening to me.  Brother's funny stuff beat my directions.  It does every time.  After a couple of minutes of hearing me stressing out, my tag team partner came up and gave me the relief I needed.  I think it took me a couple of hours to come down from the adrenaline rush I was on...  Motherhood has made me realize that I'm not as unselfish as I once thought I was.  I like "me" time, and I love quiet time.   Thank God for loving, compassionate, on-time husbands!

That was the first day of the week!  I started meditating on 2 Timothy that night.  Our bible study group is starting a study on this book, and I'm familiar with it since I grew up in church and have done lots of studies on the ministry of Paul.  As I've said in earlier posts, I've felt stagnant in my relationship with God recently.  However, knowing that we were getting into 2 Timothy, I knew of one verse that was going to stick out to me, and boy has it!  In 2 Timothy 1:6, Paul instructs Timothy "For this reason I remind you to fan into flame the gift of God, which is in you through the laying on of my hands."  When I read this, it instantly jumped out at me.  I've read it many times before.  The awesome thing about God's word is that it never changes, yet there is always something new to learn no matter how many times you read it.  There is always new revelation, greater growth and change.  Interesting dynamic! 

Our group did a short study on gifts at the end of our first year together.  I have seen gifts in my own life, during my walk with God.  I have operated freely in the gifts of exhortation, wisdom, faith, giving and mercy.  Some are stronger than others, but those are what I see most in my life.  I haven't used most of those gifts regularly in the past 10 years.  I've had moments of great faith or great wisdom, but have not pursued that.  I am feeling re energized to fan into flame those gifts!  James 1:5 says "If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you."  I pray that I have wisdom in every aspect of my life, but especially in using the gifts God has blessed me with at the right time, with the right people.  As a mom of boys, I need to be able to put that gift of mercy to use...daily!  I need the gift of wisdom to know how to answer my boys with confidence, and with the Word. 

When I think of fanning into flame, I think of a fire that is dying out, and you have to lightly blow on it or fan it to cause it to flame up again.  When we spend time with the Lord, we are just getting breathed on by Him, He's fanning us so that we grow hotter and hotter for Him.  WOW!  That's an awesome visual!  I am fanning the flame with God's word, prayer, quiet time to meditate on what God is saying to me, and writing!  Let me encourage you to fan into flame those gifts in you, too.  What if we all operated in our gifts all the time!?!  Could you imagine what we could get done for the Lord?  If you're stagnant like I've been, or you just feel complacent, turn off your computer and spend a few minutes talking to your Father.  Read what He says in His word to find some direction or peace.  Fan into flame the gift that is in you!  Stir it up!

How did I come up with the name for my blog?

Well, first, I have to tell you a little bit about me and Todd.  Todd and I met online, chatted for a year and were married about 7 months after we met in person.  It's a much longer story, but that is the gist of it.  So, I  moved to Cape Cod, where he lived all of his life.  It was a drastic change for me.  I went from the largest church in the country to probably the smallest church in the country.  75% of the congregation was over the age of 55.  The rest were a mix of children, teenagers and a couple of 30 somethings.  I think we had about 50 people in the congregation, but I know Todd would know for sure.  He was one of the elders and also the treasurer for the church.  Obviously, it was visible if one of us missed.  To put it nicely, I had a hard time adjusting to my new church, new pastors, new co-worshippers, etc.  The church didn't meet on Sunday nights or Wednesday nights.  However, for a short time, they did a bible study on Wednesday nights called "Experiencing God: Knowing and Doing the Will of God" by Henry Blackaby.  The theme that I gathered from this study was overwhelmingly "God is ALWAYS at work".  He's always working around us.  I believe He is always working in us, even when we don't realize it. 

It was during this study that my heart began to open up to what God might be working in me in this tiny church, with the older folks, and even with the few teenagers.  I had worked with teens for many years at the church I grew up in, so perhaps God would use me there.  To be honest, I just didn't want to cave.  I was full of pride, and it felt like it was beneath me.  Isn't that horrible?  But, God...  God is just so good.  He knew my areas of weakness, and he directed my steps!  Todd and I did the bible study together.  This was very early in our marriage, and it was such a blessing to see my husband studying the bible, praying, leading.  The point is that I never forgot the chapter that began with God is always at work.  If you look back in your lifetime, you can see unanswered prayers, answered prayers, hardships, victories, LIFE!  But, you could also see God's hand leading you and guiding you directly to where you are now!

It's taken me a long time to figure out that God has a plan, and I need to stop trying to make things happen in my time.  God has a different timetable than I do, and I'm sure we all know Psalm 18:30 "As for God, his way is perfect; the word of the LORD is flawless. He is a shield for all who take refuge in him."  He will work in you, even in the most mundane places, times, events, life.  I had so many dreams and plans for my life that did not involve living in the suburbs, driving a minivan, and sending my kids to christian school.  Instead, in my romanticized version, I was living in some remote part of the world as a missionary, having LOTS of kids and working in the ministry.  I know God has a plan for me, and I see it unfolding right here, in the suburbs, with my minivan and teaching my children to love Him more than anything.  I've heard it for a long time - THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT JOB YOU COULD HAVE.  I finally believe it!  My little gentlemen will grow up to love their wives like Christ loves the church.  God promises in Isaiah 54:13 "And all your children shall be taught of the LORD; and great shall be the peace of your children."  I pray this over my children every day, and I believe that they will have great peace because they will  know that God is at work in their lives. 

God works in the quiet times

Our small group took a questionnaire and was asked to answer 10 questions out of 16.  One of the 16 questions, which struck me most, was "Describe a time when you felt closest to God".  I immediately went to that time period on my mind.  I thought about my late teens, and twenties.  I remember experiencing great victories in God, a sincere close relationship with Him.  I remembered many times ministering out with my youth group, young adult camps, and talking about God's word with my closest friends.  The last time I felt that sincere deep relationship with the Lord was around age 26, just before my Aunt Nene died followed by my dearest friend Stephanie.  I think when those events took place, I started to question God.  I didn't fully understand why two people I cared for had to leave this earth to take their place in their heavenly homes.  I still don't.  I don't mourn like many people.  I'm pretty quiet in my tears, and i tend to hold it in.  It's not healthy, I know.  (Getting off track, here)  My point is that 26 seems to be the pivotal point where I started to decline in my relationship with a Holy God.

So, after i answered the question for my encouragement partner, I realized that I haven't allowed myself to be close to God in 10 years!  10 YEARS!!!!  Oh, I've played church, put the smile on, prayed when needed and lifted my hands in worship, but I haven't been sincere about it!  I think if everyone examined their heart, they would probably see that in themselves at some point in their life.  This is not a valley that I plan to stay in.  Even David "the man after God's own heart" went through valleys and ruts.  He questioned.  He agonized.  Yet, he worshipped.  My opinion is that David wrote one of the greatest Psalms ever penned.  Psalm 23.  We will walk THROUGH valleys, but we don't have to set up house there!  I'm looking for a new house on the mountain!  ;)  Praise God!!!  He still loves me!

I don't want to play church anymore.  I want to know Him!  I want to be so intimately acquainted with Him that when people look at me, they see Jesus.  Lord, fill me!  Open my eyes to see where I need to grow, what needs to change in me so that You can work through me!  Make me a holy vessel for your glory!  Show me, God, when I'm wasting time, when I could be increasing in faith.  Teach me, guide me, and direct me!  Set apart for you.

I just know that in the quiet times, I can hear Him better, I can see His hand more clearly, and I can relax and know that HE IS.  He is everything that I am not, and more.  He is everything I need and everything I want.  Thank you Lord for working in my quiet times!  The rest of this blog post is from a note I posted on Facebook several months ago.  I hope you enjoy!

1 The Lord is my shepherd;

I have all that I need.

2 He lets me rest in green meadows;

he leads me beside peaceful streams.

3 He renews my strength.

He guides me along right paths,

bringing honor to his name.

4 Even when I walk

through the darkest valley,

I will not be afraid,

for you are close beside me.

Your rod and your staff

protect and comfort me.

5 You prepare a feast for me

in the presence of my enemies.

You honor me by anointing my head with oil.

My cup overflows with blessings.

6 Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me

all the days of my life,

and I will live in the house of the Lord

forever.

Just had to share this chapter in the Psalm that brings me so much peace! God is an ever-present help in times of need. He is always there, ready to fill us with His peace, strengthen us, comfort us, guide us, protect us, provide for us, and bless our lives! His unfailing love pursues us. Isn't that a beautiful thought? His love chases after us in pursuit of our heart in order to be our all in all, our Savior and Lord. He desires to be our everything and doesn't give up (unfailing love). WOW! I love how He loves me! Reminds me of the song we used to sing in Sunday School when I was really young:

Oh, how I love Jesus. Oh, how I love Jesus.

Oh, how I love Jesus, because He first loved me!

That's not the full version of the song, only the chorus, but it's the part I love. I found this old hymn tonight, and it's just beautiful, so thought I'd share:

Love Song (a hymn)

In holiness brilliant, in righteousness bright,

Yet sweet in compassion with touch soft and light,

My Father in ravishing love now draws nigh,

To cherish my soul as the gem of His eye.

His covenant promise, His mighty right arm,

Embrace me securely and keep me from harm.

His faithful, longsuffering, infinite grace

Will bring me home safe, where He’ll show me His face.

Till then, my days pass in the palm of His hand;

His Word whispers comfort in every command.

His Promise sustains me; my triumph is won:

My mansion is bought with the blood of His Son.

The work of His Spirit goes on in my heart,

Restoring His image within by His art,

His workmanship Godlike, His skill so divine,

His voice speaks within me: “Be still, and be Mine.”

Though dark be the valley, though steep be the hill,

My comfort, my refuge, is my Father’s will!

His sweet, soft compassion will fit me aright

For holiness brilliant and righteousness bright.